Alien: Resurrection

We saw this film some years ago and felt almost the same way about it as we did about Black Swan. We really didn't want to watch this crappy film again, but it had been so long since we'd seen it that we couldn't write about it without watching it again and we did recall that at least it didn't make us squirm uncomfortably for its entire duration, something we can't say about Black Swan. 

Sigourney Weaver reprises her role as Ripley (really her clone), and as the title indicates the nasty alien is also resurrected.

I was surprised to see that Joss Whedon was one of the writers. This was clearly before he found his groove with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It appeared there was some attempt at levity, which actually might have worked if it hadn't been so subtle but it didn't come off well at all. The story was hard to follow, as was keeping the good guys and bad guys straight. Our Winona does have a special surprise twist to her character (no spoilers here, though).

It gets two croquet balls instead of one simply because it passes the Bechdel Test. Sigourney Weaver and Our Winona actually have several conversations, including the last words of the film.

Final Verdict: Two croquet balls

Star Trek (2009)

A badly acted film, that appears to have not only to have been written for middle school boys, but by them as well. Clearly the white men in this film are VERY IMPORTANT because they speak authoritatively in VERY IMPORTANT voices. The female characters are there mostly as decoration. The script was simply a string of science-fiction-y sounding words, which I doubt even made sense to the writers. The costumes and make-up appear to have been done by some kids getting ready for a Star Trek convention. Our Winona plays Spock's mother. Her screen time can't be more than two minutes, stretched over three scenes. She only speaks in one of these scenes.

A perfectly awful film with nothing to recommend it. Truly a burden for the Noni Complete-ist.
Final Verdict: one croquet ball